Well, I've just written up an ad for my harp on Harp Column. It really does break my heart to have to sell it. Michael says he hopes it does not sell but I cannot take the worry of a $205/mo. payment with a loss of about 1/2 our income. It is hard for me not to be mad at myself, to not feel guilty, and to be almost relieved to be done with it. I would never measure up. Quite a tumultuous cauldron of emotions all the way around. It is the right thing to do, I believe. I'm too old to have ever gotten really good at it. It doesn't matter that I love it so much.
I do have a nasty streak within myself, it seems. I try not to but it is there. Caught myself snapping at my boss yesterday. I immediately apologized and he found it funny. He's a great guy and knows how upset this loss of a job has me. Nevertheless, it isn't ok and it wasn't appropriate. So much joking and teasing going on in the office that I let myself get too comfortable and that has to stop. He refers to my husband as "Saint Michael."
Newest drama is looking for a second car for $4,000 or less. Michael needs a way to get to any potential job interviews and for errands that need to be done. I do not want to put double miles on my car for him to take me back and forth to work every day so that he has a car available.
Drama. I'm not a fan. I try to keep it at a minimum. My drama tends to swirl around myself based on the humorous spin I like to put on things. As long as my girls and grandkids and sons-in-law and husband are all safe and healthy, I prefer the exaggerated drama that humor lends to every day life events. Humorous drama? Well...I try. Not in much of a humorous mood of late.
Sent my watercolor off to the school yesterday and took the next test. It was a multiple choice on oil painting (yes, I wondered too). The next test is also multiple choice and is on acrylic painting. Who'dathunkit? I would have expected practical exams but you know what? I'm ok with it. Too much emotional grappling going on within myself to add the stress of a practical oil painting and acrylic painting on top of it all.
I find it so seriously traumatic that my type A personality will NEVER find anything that it excels at. Not everybody is really good at something and I'm right in the middle of that pool. If I was a different sort of personality, it wouldn't matter. But I'm me and this is something that eats at my soul. I'm at the giving up point and I fear that is going to make me older than my years. Life has already done that and this situation will finish it off.